Paralyzed

So before putting me to sleep a couple days ago, I almost jumped off the operating room table. “Please don’t paralyze me before you put me to sleep”. I think the anesthesiologist must have thought I was crazy. “Lay down, we’re just going to put some oxygen on you”.

A little earlier in my life, The Depression had gotten so bad that we decided on ECT as an option. As I’m laying on the metal table, with nothing but a gown on, I could feel the ice cold drip in my IV. The room started to turn stark white. I could hear everything the doctors were saying but I was paralyzed. “Is she ready?” exclaimed my psychiatrist. “No” I’m screaming inside myself. My eyes were open. The anesthesiologist stated, “Give her a few more seconds”. “Seconds”? I’m screaming inside of this body that can’t move, can’t breathe.”. “I’m actually going to feel this electricity fly through my brain and satiate the very depths of my neurons with me totally being awake”. I woke up crying.

They didn’t have ketamine then. I was in a very dark place for Depression. I had started taking more and more antidepressants to make the pain in my heart go away. It was all a culmination of everything that had happened in my life up to that point with Scoliosis, dealing with my brace, an eating disorder (feeling like I needed to look perfect), and addiction to make all the emotions and heart ache cease. Never again did I have ECT. I was going to have to do something else with the pain.