Author: admin

This blog has turned out to be so much more than just Scoliosis. I’m learning as the words pour out that there is something in my heart much deeper that needs acceptance, love and exploration. I’m hoping that you continue to read with me as we learn and help each other get through pain, no matter where it’s coming from, and to grow in the process………

I skipped my Ketamine appt today. As I looked in the mirror and looked at all the frizzy ends of my hair dominating my whole head, I knew I wouldn’t go. Not because of how I looked , but because of how I felt. Each fine end was swerving opposite of each other and felt like crispy Fall leaves That’s how my heart felt. Fried. The coronary arteries I sensed were brittle surrounding my aching heart .Again in a panic I started swirling in their layers reaching deeper and desperately.

Again I began to ponder. I have no control of these infinite layers. My Higher Power I could see in the distance among beautiful vivid flowers…and in His hands He held my broken, shattered heart. He held my light, my soul.

So quietly I knelt on the fuzzy carpet. I could feel each bristle impact my dry, flaky knees. The feeling was soft and intense. I gently grasped my sweaty palms together. I hunched my head down forgetting about the c-5 c-6 fusion and began to pray. I took all that I had, all that I am, and gave it back to Him.

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Today I ask for Acceptance

How do you go on without your best friend, your mom?

My heart is composed of many intricate layers. It is infinite for me, only the Higher Power has access to my soul.

Sometimes I feel when I wake up, my heart has been pummeled by a train, Disposed of in garbage.

Your Higher Power is the only one who has access to your soul. So He meticulously collects the fragile layers, memories, and love of your soul and ever so gently sweeps it off. He breathes life back into it.

So I ask myself what would my mother want me to do? She woudn’t have wanted my heart to stay desecrated in that detritus and waste.. He miraculously, delicately plants it.

My mom is there. She is watering it every day You see it in her signs she gives me —– a vivid rainbow, a memorable song, a giant eagle floating over head with a wing span of over 5 feet, a 6 point buck staring you in the face for at least 2 minutes , and more. We have to gaze and pray. My heart has to start blooming into that exquisite woman she would have wanted me to become. My work here is incomplete. Right now I believe my wants are not conducive with His will. Only He can make that happen. He has a master plan. To deny this not only to my best friend, but to Him would be painful for everyone involved. No one said this was going to be effortless, but through that pain along with His grace, and mercy. ……… We grow. We acquire love.

I’ve taken a brief hiatus to grieve for my mother.

As my mother has passed on now, everything seems so different but everything is the same. The world needs to stop, but everything proceeds… like in the calling hour line.. Everything advances as I see my world move on through the people who touched my mother in so many different ways. Life has reversed itself as I greet people I haven’t seen in years. They have aged yet their faces and their condolences are so new. What a blessing it was to see so many people come to honor the one person who taught me the most about love. I love you Mom.

Her eyes glazed over, but still very beautifully blue. She started to shrug her emaciated shoulders ever so slightly….not in a jolting way but more of a calming way. I was reaching for that strong pulse that once was so regular and vibrant, but now it had become dull and weak. As she started taking her last peaceful breaths with her family around her, I urged her to take the Holy Spirit’s hand and that He would bring her to our Lord Jesus Christ. Being afraid was not part of this equation. I whispered in her ear I love you I loved you, I love you,,,,,and ALL IS WELL.. ..a mantra we had said many times together during this journey. I had had the chance as many of my family members did , to bring her to that glowing brilliant love and become one with it again….bringing so much holiness and love she had shared with me. She had taught me how to love and embrace that star and make it something magical, brilliant and exquisite exponentially. I kissed her forehead and just sat with her, finally not struggling, I reached for that pulse one more time ……… you always do ,..,.,..just one more time, Be free momma,

WARNING

This blog may be controversial to some of you so please be reminded these are just my thoughts, my way of processing things that are evolving in my life at this point. You may not all agree. And that’s ok.

When you get to a point of mortality..,,of life and death, it stirs you. You become different in a way.

I believe that this life I have is about the Divine and love. Each day I thank the Divine for giving me just a tiny part of His golden effervescent self with the life He has given me. It is my duty to learn lessons., to make the butterfly wings move into tidal waves. exploding into something beautiful powerful and exquisite. I do this exponentially. if I can do this, then I am purified. I’m allowed to wither, decline, and become one with the Earth again. I bring all these beautiful lessons learned and love all back to Him, making love even more precious and explosive like a supernova. Life is cyclical. I am given choices to go back and learn more….. or to stay and to accomplish something ethereal and brilliant.

In part of my life I am given a lesson, I am given the gift to help my mother in her journey to become one with the Earth again and reunite with our Divine.

i made an agreement with the Divine that I would take on any cross to endure, any lesson that was crushing and devastating ……but that I couldn’t do it without Him by my side. That in times of immense pain and sorrow that I could simply just learn my lesson but also hand my heart all over to Him.

Life is like a river. The ebb and tide of its ripples can lead you at a fork in the waves . Turning and swaying might lead you to an unforeseen future you never could have imagined. As the current carries you, you must be present in that moment for it to be preserved as a memory. Floating and drifting brings you to magical memories some positive some devastating. Although traumatic , the river continues to flow. Choose to embrace the good ones.

I’m having a hard time blogging right now.

As my eyes slowly turn to the left, I can see the colors of the rainbow through my tears. I can’t stop the hole in my heart from aching. Mindless tasks have become insurmountable. I write these words not for sympathy, but rather enlightenment.

We all have purpose, we all matter. Keep fighting. With every sunset comes the sunrise.

As I started my experience, I entered this invisible fortress / doorway. I stepped into dim pristine water. It was comforting and warm surrounding my whole body. Oxygen filled my lungs even though I was underwater. These ethereal notes of music, of spirit, and vibrant colors started spinning in my mind and all around my body. Surely these compositions were of something far greater than myself.

I could feel a presence behind me. This exquisite circle of golden light drew me in … And in this moment an altruistic entity encompassed me. Never have I felt such unconditional love and pure kindness encapsulate my whole soul.The Depression and anxiety I knew so well just dissipated.

This time I awoke with peace……..It made me take a good look at myself in the mirror. I did not see this monstrous brace, but rather a girl trying to find her way. I felt beautiful on the inside………filled with an abundance of love and hope.

approx. 40 years ago

I woke unexpectedly in the exact position I fell asleep. 3:42 am the clock read. In the Milwaukee Brace the ONLY way you could sleep was on your back. Rage filled my body this time. Feeling strangled in my contraption as the metal collar piece encased around my debilitated neck, I began to wonder. “Will I ever be normal again?”

Abruptly, I rolled out of bed, unscrewed the back of the brace ( in which my hair was matted in) and shoved and molded the whole thing off my body. I was tired, exhausted….both physically and emotionally.

Urgently and frantically I started unscrewing the tiny metal fasteners. This apparatus was unyielding. My fingers touched each of the screws with vigilance. I couldn’t move quickly enough. When I had them all out I scurried to my bedroom window and plowed it open. As I fidgeted with the screen, I ferociously spewed all of them from my second story window. It was the same feeling I got when I fed myself to satiation. Out of breath, I then stood still, at peace.

All of a sudden I whirled around, grabbed my brace and whacked it into the wall, leaving a nice indentation in the sheet rock. ……My work here was done.

I awaken. Eyes wide open. The dream I came from is a distant past. I tense all the muscles in my weak neck to look up and see the clock…… 2:43 am……..again 3:33am…….again 4:16am. The pain in my hands aches to a montage of tingling, numbness, and pain getting increasingly more intense. Circles on the ceiling begin to take on familiar shapes. Full blown pariedolia takes over. My cervical spinal cord having two crushed discs and being decompressed and fused was a blessing. So much worse it could have been to the point of being paralyzed. Truly I am blessed.

I finally wake up one more time at 5:54am . I reach over gently and call my husband’s name softly. Another day has started. Wearing my bra to bed was the best idea. I didn’t have to put it on again this morning agitating my Scoliosis, my new cervical surgical site, or my broken shoulder.

Today will be a good day. I rise up putting one foot in front of the other. As I run my shaky hands over my decrepit scar on my neck I think, Yes, time to take Quincy to the dog park. Life is good.