Author: admin

Even with Scoliosis and Scars you can be Beautiful……

The beauty in yourself runs deeply. We each carry a soul that the Divine has given us to expand upon his love. Even if you can’t see the integrity in yourself, the universe is surrounding you with its devotion. Each one of us has a purpose.

Having Depression has opened my eyes to emotion that I wouldn’t have had. The sorrow, the disappointment, the endless black hole has opened up a whole world of hope, understanding, and a vision. I know what it’s like to FEEL.

We are each unique and exquisite in our own way and we carry this orb of passion and creativity to give to the universe. For myself, I am grateful for the pain that I have felt because I know what it’s like to ache. I am not stagnant, I flow with the ebb and tide of the Earth and so do each of you.

Today I choose GRATITUDE.

When you are in a foreboding hole it’s so very hard to reach out to anyone or anybody. I haven’t written lately because I’ve been in that very dark place. …that place where silence consumes you completely. When you try to move the ropes that bind your soul only tighten. My heart is aching to the point where I feel these lead weights are encasing it and bringing it down in that capsized ship. Hopelessness immures every sense of my being. Every tear drop encompasses things that I can’t even reach out and grasp. I go further down that path, to that pain in my heart, to that place of despondency .

Bringing my readers down is not my intent. So I guess I need all of you this time. Honesty was one of the main policies I promised. So with that being said …..is there anyone who is feeling overwhelmed with this twisted melancholy?

Today I’m going to summon my strength… and all of you can help me as we help each other.

In life there are milestones. Some joyous, some agonizing. I don’t know if I have enough strength anymore to look into the blank stare of a woman who used to be so full of life. I miss her. I often ask God why? I don’t understand this cruel world. I guess we’re not meant to realize the indications of our lessons here when we’re here on Earth. All we can do is trust and believe that it’s for a greater good.

I often think that God gives us just a little bit of Himself to expand on when we come to Earth. What we do with this part of Him can be exponentially good if we choose. It’s like the flutter of a butterfly leading to a tidal wave leading to something maybe we can’t conceive.

In the end we reunite with Him becoming a giant sphere of His love, hopefully bringing something magnificent and astounding back.

I can only hope that this is true. That my mom, too becomes part of this sphere.

The pain from my Scoliosis is severe today. Aching and throbbing is that thoracic section. I want to slip something warm, pushing, deliberately right in a man made pocket of my intercostal muscles on the right side contradicting my ”s” curve. It would be a warm hand compressing ever so gently my whole back into alignment.

Many times I spent moments on the armchair of the sofa shoving my rib cage the inverted way of my curve. Just stretching and maintaining that position, I thought somehow a magical wand would materialize and situate that position into muscle memory.

I was a Senior. Growing out of my brace, there was no way in hell I was getting fitted for another. My x- rays showed I was ceaselessly growing. There was an experimental treatment on the market using electrodes at night going the opposing way of my curve every 9 seconds. Contracting …releasing…….Contracting …releasing it would continue.

Not only was I fighting an eating disorder at night, but now I was wearing this torturous conglomeration of wires and electrodes while trying to sleep. I loathed everything about my body. I felt guilty about everything. How was I functioning ? How did I graduate? I remember looking down and having two different colored socks on in school one day

My back continued to ache…..

If anyone has ever or is currently in a very dark place, you don’t have to be alone. You are not abnormal. Many of us suffer in silence. I’m here to BREAK that silence.

So I have to talk about life today. When you care about someone so deeply and see them wither away day by day it becomes excruciating.

Why? Why God? We are born and become this beautiful, vivacious being, only to become this gaunt, emaciated human. It’s inevitable. No matter how amazing you are today you too, will shrivel. You will become one with the Earth again. To understand life is impossible. Entropy consumes everything around you. Thoughts become demented, befuddled. No longer can you do the simplistic daily exercises for yourself. Being a newborn again fills your space.

You have to watch the person you love go through these things and then this becomes your reality,,,,,,,,,,,,

Reaching in and ripping out the morbid, somber torment in your heart and throwing back to the universe becomes your focus. Each day gnaws at you as you awake knowing it’s only going to worsen.

I ask the Holy Spirit for help. Please help me help my mother on her journey.

I was growing. Growing as a woman.
All awry inside but definitely outside ….. As my breasts were evolving, I was having feelings also. I wanted so much to be touched by a man, to feel passion, to explore. It wasn’t about sex, or penetration. It was more about intimacy I wanted to explore things that a man at that age wasn’t able to comprehend. I was a hopeless romantic. It would get me into trouble in the following years. Misconstruing sex for love

Oh how I yearned for love and acceptance. I just wanted to feel a man’s fingers gliding around the pathways of my yearning breasts……so soft, gently so deliberate. I wanted his lips on mine softly to feel his tongue collide with mine. To look at me, is what I wanted. Connection and intimacy is what I really needed. I needed to be understood.

In college it was difficult. I had the mind of a 12 year. Let down continuously…… What was I thinking? I was being used, but at the same time I let it happen. Again I felt alone, isolated. It was me against them. Just like it was me against my family. It was brutal back then. I was also fighting my eating disorder. Eating at night and sneaking food around my roommates. It was sick, It was insidious, It was exhausting……..

It feels like I’m wearing that cumbersome brace again—the one from my teenage years. The Milwaukee brace. In my opinion, it’s the worst of the worst when it comes to bracing techniques. The physical scarring is one thing, but the emotional toll it takes on a child? That stays with you. And now, this C collar I’m wearing—it’s coming dangerously close to replicating that same experience.

It’s like there’s a boa constrictor wrapped around my neck. I can’t breathe. My head is locked in place like a plastic mannequin. The room begins to spin—faster and faster—until I have to close my eyes. Inside my mind, there are just circles, colorful swirls, like a dizzying kaleidoscope, edging toward nausea. Please, just get me out of this.

And then, instead of fighting it, I give in. Something too familiar settles into my body. It’s uncomfortable, but I know it well. The muscle memory of that Milwaukee brace rushes back. It consumes me.

Wearing it again—feeling that same restriction—reminds me of just how deeply I loathed it. How powerless I felt. I had no say. I had to wear it. It’s no wonder I reached for anything that could numb those feelings—food, drugs, alcohol—anything to disassociate. I truly believed I was a monster.

But the truth? I was just a scared little girl trying so hard to escape the pain.

It surfaces—whether you want it to or not.
You can’t hold it in forever.

Today, I have to face my pain.
My cup is overflowing—brimming with insecurities, whispers, and assumptions that might not even be true.
But it still hurts. Physically.
I can feel it in my chest. In my heart.

No one really understands what it’s like to be different—unless they are different.
Some people are great at taking life at face value. They don’t dig deeper, don’t stop to consider the emotions in a situation. Maybe they can’t. Maybe they weren’t built for nuance.
It’s black or white, right or wrong. Don’t you dare show emotion. Don’t you dare feel, or you’ll be labeled as “too sensitive,” “too much,” “too weak.”

I feel sorry for those people.
Because even though they seem untouched by pain, they’re missing so much.
“I’m over here.”
“Can you see me?”
“Can you look into this lonely, broken soul and actually see my pain?”
“Can you see the teardrops flowing like a river, with nowhere to go?”

I’m hurting.
I’m crying out—but no one hears me.
I’m waving, I’m shouting—but it’s like I’m invisible.
Blind eyes everywhere.

I can’t do this anymore.
It hurts too much.

So—what’s in Alice’s rabbit hole today that might help numb this?
Antidepressants? A little something “extra”?
Alcohol? Food? Anything to stop the ache, even for a second?

I shove these feelings deeper and deeper into the corners of my heart, hoping they’ll just disappear.
This is where things get dangerous.
Because now, hopelessness seeps into my mind, spreading like wildfire through every neuron, devouring them like it’s starving.
There’s no more room in my heart to contain the pain—so it moves in upstairs.

Depression rolls in like a twisted parade, organ by organ, soul by soul.

Where do I go from here?

It’s weird when you just wanna fall back and not be noticed anymore. You’ll do everything and anything to become invisible, non-existent because you don’t think you are worth living. But of course, I continued to get compliments from my family, my friends about how I looked. Confusion consumes you. You want to be in a cocoon forever but you so desperately need love and validation.

I didn’t care anymore. My body was growing and I couldn’t stop it even with the brace. I was growing out of it.

The plastic uncomfortable shell that usually molded around my hips, was becoming too small. My body was changing. Oh how I tried to hide from being noticed as a monster. All my clothes consisted of turtlenecks, high necks, clothes that hid my brace.

But my mind wanted to blossom. It couldn’t. I wanted to be popular, social……..but all I could do was think about food and how it affected my body. I was stuck in that little 12 year old girl ‘s brain but my body was maturing, and growing. My body was exploding.

I couldn’t fight the hunger anymore. I began hiding what I ate. Remember, this was the only way I felt I had control. I wouldn’t eat with my family but rather eat at night when they all went to bed. Yes, then they couldn’t see what I was actually eating. I was hoarding food at night. It would become a long-term problem.

I was so conflicted. I wanted to grow as a woman, both physically and mentally. But, I halted myself. Obsessing about my appearance and weight was all that I could comprehend. Thinness was associated with love. The thinner I became the more love I would receive.That’s all that mattered. I so desperately wanted and needed to be accepted and loved by my family, my friends, just the way I was, regardless of what I looked like.

It was just easier to stay in Alice in Wonderland’s hole, to try and be…….. invisible