As Mother’s Day is here, I can’t help but think about the choices I made or didn’t make during the time I could have borne children. Looking at my niece and nephews and other friends, I am saddened that I was so selfish, and unable to bring a new life into the world that would have been just Kris and mine. The choices I made… I was running from the pain, this desperate void of loneliness that I believed at the time was unable to be filled . I was drinking heavily, Any substance I could get my hands on I was using. To bring a life into this world would have been purely selfish, because I did not have the capacity to look beyond myself. …….Responsibility would have fallen on my husband and other family members. Using antidepressants that could have caused severer birth defects lingered in the back of my mind.
This day always weighs heavily on my heart. I do not have children and this has always been an issue I’ve kept hidden with all the other pain and Depression deep in the depths of my very being. I did not want to have be coherent, or cognizant in any way shape or form.
The pain, ………that’s all I wanted to hide from. I had just gotten married to the most wonderful man, was in the best place I could have been physically {being a dance teacher at that point.) How was I holding it together? I really don’t know?
As the years have progressed, I’ve come to terms with this decision, and Motherhood would surely have changed me. To say that it would have been unfair to that child and the people around me would be an understatement. Taking care of myself or existing in a stable reality was foreign to me.
I question if being a fur baby mother is enough? Enough for who? I have to ask myself. I am grateful for the relationship I have with my own mother, the deep bond we carry, even though she is in dementia. Motherhood is not for everyone. Right now I value more than anything this unique place I share with my mother. Although different, but very very special……….
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