It’s hard to explain Social Phobia unless you’ve experienced it. I never thought of myself as antisocial, but then things get crossed, lines get blurred, and you find yourself in a situation that’s extremely uncomfortable. And then you find yourself having to wear this contraption for 23 hours a day, and your whole self worth goes crumbling away. You are unable to grasp reality. “People don’t really care, Cindy.” I keep telling myself. “It’s not all about you.”
This weekend is a big weekend for my family. Always has been. Family is key, right ? But what about when you feel so impressionable, so at the mercy of everything that encompasses you, and your body, that you begin to feel less than human, even around the ones you are most comfortable with or that you think that know you the most ?
Every time I have a social gathering now I get heart palpitations, my mind races, I get panic attacks. It doesn’t matter how old I get., how fat or skinny I really am. You always feel a little less than whole…a little less than normal. No matter where I go I’m still lugging my brace around even though it’s not there. As I walk into the room , again, the room closes in on me. The stares, the glares, make my face tighten. the whispers manifest right in my ears echoing their mocking undertones. As I reach up to search for that metal cold bar that transcends down the front of my lopsided chest, I feel nothing. The tiny irritating screws have disappeared. My hair feels thin but has not morphed into something alien.
How do I move forward? It’s not about looks or appearance… It’s about love and spending time with the people I care so much about.
God today I choose acceptance.
Leave a Reply