Senses

I am amazed that I can’t remember things from two days ago but have vivid flashbacks of my life from twenty years ago.

Colors, people’s faces, time, little indiscrepancies like the color of my barbie doll’s clothes. The fabric in which they were made………I could feel.

I remember visualizing the softness of my mother’s skin as she put her beauty powder on. “She is beautiful, and I’m going to use that same exact powder.”

Clarity and clearness….crispness of the ice cold pool water as it touched my skin I could feel. My senses were on fire when I was younger……and then

I felt the coldness of the metal two bars wrapped around my head and down my long torso. I felt the one big metal bar that went straight down between my breasts, giving me chills. Hard plastic enveloped my pelvic area. The bruises were still there on my pressure points in hues of green, purple, and blue. Choking, I wrapped this contraption around my thin neck. My hair was my safety net, so I thought. No one would be able to see from the back that I was a monster.

Somewhere I cut myself off. I didn’t want to feel anymore physically or emotionally. Insecurity reigned in my brain. Around and around those thoughts went. I stopped growing then. I was literally unable to progress emotionally as an individual. Not only my physical senses halted, but my psychological senses stopped. I grew into myself. Instead of being that butterfly that needed to expand her wings, they became stifled, jaded, by my insecurities. I was injuring myself and by cutting off my senses I began to rot……..