As I was writing my blog, I could’t help note how difficult it was going to be today to wear that damn cervical collar just out and about today doing normal things I was feeling like a freak!
Flashback: I was the focal point. ( Dressed in black tights, black body suit) …..Their suits were starkly laid white, stiff enough to put a blow up doll inside. Neatly sat, most arms crossed. I could barely tell the black detail of their newly embroidered names. They were a mix of newly graduated doctors. It felt like the room again was tightly wrapping its walls around me to the point of asphyxiation. “Breath Cindy,” I told myself. This event was Awareness Week for Scoliosis. I was the subject to be analyzed.
The week before, I had gotten my period for the first time. I was 16! I did not know HOW to wear a tampon, so I was stuffed with the heavy duty pads because my flow turned into the Red Sea!
There I was, Brace on, stark Black with my overstuffed pads sticking out everywhere. Mortification didn’t come close to what
I was feeling. I felt like I was on display.
I was bent over,,,, they were distracted, I bet by, this stuffy pillow bombardment coming from this 16 year old between her legs. It was all so silly! All of a sudden I felt like Alice in Wonderland drowning in empty voices as she forebodingly fell down that hole. I couldn’t even hear my own Inner voice This was just one of the many many ways I would disconnect from time /space. I did not want to exist. Soon other negative behaviors would come to manifest and take the place of Alice in Wonderland..
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