Invisible

It’s weird when you just wanna fall back and not be noticed anymore. You’ll do everything and anything to become invisible, non-existent because you don’t think you are worth living. But of course, I continued to get compliments from my family, my friends about how I looked. Confusion consumes you. You want to be in a cocoon forever but you so desperately need love and validation.

I didn’t care anymore. My body was growing and I couldn’t stop it even with the brace. I was growing out of it.

The plastic uncomfortable shell that usually molded around my hips, was becoming too small. My body was changing. Oh how I tried to hide from being noticed as a monster. All my clothes consisted of turtlenecks, high necks, clothes that hid my brace.

But my mind wanted to blossom. It couldn’t. I wanted to be popular, social……..but all I could do was think about food and how it affected my body. I was stuck in that little 12 year old girl ‘s brain but my body was maturing, and growing. My body was exploding.

I couldn’t fight the hunger anymore. I began hiding what I ate. Remember, this was the only way I felt I had control. I wouldn’t eat with my family but rather eat at night when they all went to bed. Yes, then they couldn’t see what I was actually eating. I was hoarding food at night. It would become a long-term problem.

I was so conflicted. I wanted to grow as a woman, both physically and mentally. But, I halted myself. Obsessing about my appearance and weight was all that I could comprehend. Thinness was associated with love. The thinner I became the more love I would receive.That’s all that mattered. I so desperately wanted and needed to be accepted and loved by my family, my friends, just the way I was, regardless of what I looked like.

It was just easier to stay in Alice in Wonderland’s hole, to try and be…….. invisible